But some days I just can’t find my way from where I am to the positive upbeat ending. Sometimes I just can’t get from here to there. Today was one of those days.
I had the alarm set for 5:00 am so we could get up and leave the house by 5:30 am for the Sunday morning golf round. The weather report predicted ridiculously cold morning temps in the 40’s, with a high of 56 degrees. So I had picked out several layers of clothing, along with ear muffs and gloves.
At 3:30 am, I awoke from a bad dream. I was anxious, my heart was racing and I could not get back to sleep. Instead, I lie there and stressed out over several different issues; my anxiety just kept circling between two primary issues that kept me wide awake. Finally around 4:45 I drifted off and awoke late – at 5:30. So I rushed to dress, make coffee, feed the dog and get out the door. Mike and I managed to leave by 5:50.
At the golf course, it was cold and dark – the lights weren’t even on yet. The grass was cold and crunchy and I bought tea to try to warm myself up. Then I went to the driving range, where I discovered that it was truly going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Everything about my golf swing was off – and several bad habits had set in. That was a premonition of the bad round ahead.
From the first swing of the first hole, nothing was working right. Part of the problem was that I had taken a golf lesson yesterday, so I had several things in my head that I was trying work on. Problem was – I had TOO MANY things I was trying to work on, and I had several bad habits I was trying to correct. My mind was too full of too many corrections and in my state of overwhelm, nothing worked right. I was golfing worse than I did during my first ever round of golf. I had regressed past the point that I thought was possible.
The first hole was a disaster, followed by an equivalent disaster on the second hole. By the third hole I wanted to cry and by the fourth hole I wanted to quit.
By the fifth hole, I had lost all ability to think rationally about my golf swing, and by the sixth hole, I had lost all ability to think rationally about my life. Because by then, the downward spiral had set in. The downward spiral is not pretty, but it’s a fact of my life. The downward spiral is what I call it, but psychologists would call it “cognitive distortion.” Whatever you call it, this is what it looks like:
1. Wow – my golf swing really sucks.
2. Wow – whatever I try to do to improve my golf swing ends up making it worse.
3. Wow – none of the drills I usually try are helping.
4. Wow – I didn’t know that it was possible for my golf swing to be this bad.
5. Wow – this is really embarrassing – I spent money on golf clubs and golf lessons and this is how I am golfing? This is hugely embarrassing. I can't even hit the ball.
6. Wow – nothing I have tried is working, I guess nothing is ever going to help me improve. I am just hopeless.
7. Wow – this is beyond embarrassing, now I am really slowing down the other guys I am golfing with – this must be getting annoying for them. They are being really polite to allow me to keep golfing with them.
8. Wow – this must be frustrating for Mike – he’s been so patient teaching me how to golf, and I have regressed so much so quickly. He must be really disappointed in me.
9. Ok now I really feel bad for disappointing Mike so much and being so lame. I can’t even follow the simple advice he is trying to give me.
10. I’m not just a bad golfer, I’m a bad girlfriend. He’s being patient and supportive, and I’m over here having a pity party for myself. I’m so ridiculous.
11. I’m not just a bad golfer, I’m a total failure. I can’t do anything right.
12. Now I’m not just a failure, I’m not even good company, I’m no fun to be around, I take myself too seriously and I can’t even snap out of this bad mood. Why am I even out here?
13. Come to think of it, I’ve never really been good at any sport I’ve tried, and I don’t know why I even bother to try. Why have I wasted so much time on this?
14. Actually, it’s not just sports I’m bad at – I’m no good at my job, I’m a lousy friend, and I don’t know why Mike even puts up with me.
15. I’m so self-absorbed that a stupid thing like my golf swing can set me off into this bad mood – this just demonstrates what a bad companion I am. I wouldn’t blame Mike for breaking up with me, because I am no fun to be around.
16. I wish there was just one thing in my life that I was good at – I seem to be bad at every sport I try, but I’m just too stubborn to quit them – I guess I should just stop being stubborn and let myself quit, because I’ve certainly not improved at any of them.
17. I wouldn’t blame Mike for breaking up with me, because I have so many ridiculous issues, and I can’t even think logically about sports, or my life.
18. Come to think of it, why does Mike even spend time with me? How does he manage to put up with me?
This isn’t exactly the end of the downward spiral, but I think this is a sufficient description. The point is - it’s unpleasant, it’s illogical, and it’s circular. It just feeds on itself and once you are in the spiral you can’t break out of it.
Now that I have this incredibly useful masters degree in psychology, I can label my downward spiral as a “cognitive distortion.” Specifically, my thinking is distorted in four primary ways:
1. Magnification. In my mind, my golf swing becomes INCREDIBLY BAD and terrible. My terribleness becomes intensified and I emphasize the badness, and I what is sort of bad becomes REALLY REALLY BAD. The badness becomes intense and magnified. Today I even started figuring out exactly how bad my drives were, according to my average yardage.
2. All-or-nothing. I lose sight of anything good about my golfing. For example, I ignored the fact that my putting has been awesome. ALL of my golf is ALL bad, ALL of the time, and there is no room for anything good to enter my thinking.
3. Generalizing. My badness and poor ability crosses over from golf, to everything else in my life. I’m a bad friend, bad girlfriend, etc. I’m just generally bad at everything in my life, and I start seeing this pattern everywhere in my life.
4. Jumping to conclusions. Because I’m golfing bad today, I will always golf badly, and I will never improve. Furthermore, Mike will continue to be disappointed in me, and he won’t have any fun being around me, and then the next thing you know, I’ll be living alone in a studio apartment without any friends or a job.
The real fact of the matter is this: Mike was patient with me, he was supportive and he did try to help me. Even after he split a huge hole in the seat of his pants, he tried to make me laugh about it, to distract me from my own misery. But when I’m in the downward spiral, all I can do is wallow in my pity party and keep going around and around in the circle of distortions.
At the golf course, it was cold and dark – the lights weren’t even on yet. The grass was cold and crunchy and I bought tea to try to warm myself up. Then I went to the driving range, where I discovered that it was truly going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Everything about my golf swing was off – and several bad habits had set in. That was a premonition of the bad round ahead.
From the first swing of the first hole, nothing was working right. Part of the problem was that I had taken a golf lesson yesterday, so I had several things in my head that I was trying work on. Problem was – I had TOO MANY things I was trying to work on, and I had several bad habits I was trying to correct. My mind was too full of too many corrections and in my state of overwhelm, nothing worked right. I was golfing worse than I did during my first ever round of golf. I had regressed past the point that I thought was possible.
The first hole was a disaster, followed by an equivalent disaster on the second hole. By the third hole I wanted to cry and by the fourth hole I wanted to quit.
By the fifth hole, I had lost all ability to think rationally about my golf swing, and by the sixth hole, I had lost all ability to think rationally about my life. Because by then, the downward spiral had set in. The downward spiral is not pretty, but it’s a fact of my life. The downward spiral is what I call it, but psychologists would call it “cognitive distortion.” Whatever you call it, this is what it looks like:
1. Wow – my golf swing really sucks.
2. Wow – whatever I try to do to improve my golf swing ends up making it worse.
3. Wow – none of the drills I usually try are helping.
4. Wow – I didn’t know that it was possible for my golf swing to be this bad.
5. Wow – this is really embarrassing – I spent money on golf clubs and golf lessons and this is how I am golfing? This is hugely embarrassing. I can't even hit the ball.
6. Wow – nothing I have tried is working, I guess nothing is ever going to help me improve. I am just hopeless.
7. Wow – this is beyond embarrassing, now I am really slowing down the other guys I am golfing with – this must be getting annoying for them. They are being really polite to allow me to keep golfing with them.
8. Wow – this must be frustrating for Mike – he’s been so patient teaching me how to golf, and I have regressed so much so quickly. He must be really disappointed in me.
9. Ok now I really feel bad for disappointing Mike so much and being so lame. I can’t even follow the simple advice he is trying to give me.
10. I’m not just a bad golfer, I’m a bad girlfriend. He’s being patient and supportive, and I’m over here having a pity party for myself. I’m so ridiculous.
11. I’m not just a bad golfer, I’m a total failure. I can’t do anything right.
12. Now I’m not just a failure, I’m not even good company, I’m no fun to be around, I take myself too seriously and I can’t even snap out of this bad mood. Why am I even out here?
13. Come to think of it, I’ve never really been good at any sport I’ve tried, and I don’t know why I even bother to try. Why have I wasted so much time on this?
14. Actually, it’s not just sports I’m bad at – I’m no good at my job, I’m a lousy friend, and I don’t know why Mike even puts up with me.
15. I’m so self-absorbed that a stupid thing like my golf swing can set me off into this bad mood – this just demonstrates what a bad companion I am. I wouldn’t blame Mike for breaking up with me, because I am no fun to be around.
16. I wish there was just one thing in my life that I was good at – I seem to be bad at every sport I try, but I’m just too stubborn to quit them – I guess I should just stop being stubborn and let myself quit, because I’ve certainly not improved at any of them.
17. I wouldn’t blame Mike for breaking up with me, because I have so many ridiculous issues, and I can’t even think logically about sports, or my life.
18. Come to think of it, why does Mike even spend time with me? How does he manage to put up with me?
This isn’t exactly the end of the downward spiral, but I think this is a sufficient description. The point is - it’s unpleasant, it’s illogical, and it’s circular. It just feeds on itself and once you are in the spiral you can’t break out of it.
Now that I have this incredibly useful masters degree in psychology, I can label my downward spiral as a “cognitive distortion.” Specifically, my thinking is distorted in four primary ways:
1. Magnification. In my mind, my golf swing becomes INCREDIBLY BAD and terrible. My terribleness becomes intensified and I emphasize the badness, and I what is sort of bad becomes REALLY REALLY BAD. The badness becomes intense and magnified. Today I even started figuring out exactly how bad my drives were, according to my average yardage.
2. All-or-nothing. I lose sight of anything good about my golfing. For example, I ignored the fact that my putting has been awesome. ALL of my golf is ALL bad, ALL of the time, and there is no room for anything good to enter my thinking.
3. Generalizing. My badness and poor ability crosses over from golf, to everything else in my life. I’m a bad friend, bad girlfriend, etc. I’m just generally bad at everything in my life, and I start seeing this pattern everywhere in my life.
4. Jumping to conclusions. Because I’m golfing bad today, I will always golf badly, and I will never improve. Furthermore, Mike will continue to be disappointed in me, and he won’t have any fun being around me, and then the next thing you know, I’ll be living alone in a studio apartment without any friends or a job.
The real fact of the matter is this: Mike was patient with me, he was supportive and he did try to help me. Even after he split a huge hole in the seat of his pants, he tried to make me laugh about it, to distract me from my own misery. But when I’m in the downward spiral, all I can do is wallow in my pity party and keep going around and around in the circle of distortions.
As I discovered today, recognizing the distorted thinking is just not enough to change it.
So what did I do? I got quiet, I stopped talking to anyone, and I just suffered through the rest of the round of golf. I didn’t quit, but I wasn’t having any fun. But I avoided any arguments with Mike, and I tried to keep my misery to myself. For today, that was enough of a victory.
When I got home after bunch I decided that I needed a nap – because I recognized that having only about 4 hours of sleep might have been part of my problem. And I recognized that just like a person trapped in quick sand – sometimes the best thing you can do is just stop moving. Sometimes the only thing I can do is to stop making the problem worse.
So I took a long nap and now I’m writing this horrible self-indictment in an attempt to purge the downward spiral from my very being.
The downward spiral is a not something that I ever want to repeat.
So what did I do? I got quiet, I stopped talking to anyone, and I just suffered through the rest of the round of golf. I didn’t quit, but I wasn’t having any fun. But I avoided any arguments with Mike, and I tried to keep my misery to myself. For today, that was enough of a victory.
When I got home after bunch I decided that I needed a nap – because I recognized that having only about 4 hours of sleep might have been part of my problem. And I recognized that just like a person trapped in quick sand – sometimes the best thing you can do is just stop moving. Sometimes the only thing I can do is to stop making the problem worse.
So I took a long nap and now I’m writing this horrible self-indictment in an attempt to purge the downward spiral from my very being.
The downward spiral is a not something that I ever want to repeat.
Holy cow! That's why I play golf only once a year. I hope you pulled out of this one, I'll check with you in the morning.
ReplyDeleteWow! Lady... I'm besides myself. Nothing a shot of whiskey can't shut up.
ReplyDeleteIt's like this:
1~ you have friends that give you lots and lots of fruit!
2~ you have friends that don't give two cents (edited version of what I really think) about your golf swing.
3~ How did you keep a straight face with the pants thing?
4~ positivity is an infectious thing, and on that day it was about the nap. Being able to take that nap is a beautiful thing!
5~ downward spiral is also infectious, one day I'll tell you about how I got suckered into being in front of the camera instead of behind it, and the guy who was really good at staying in character. (it's all good, I didn't get arrested)
6~ Weekends should be for recharging lady! Sleep before swing!
7~ We in 'burque love you!
Hope to see you soon!
K