But I don’t believe that acceptance is the only antidote to frustration. In fact, I think the real opposite of frustration is curiosity.
By definition, you get frustrated when life isn’t exactly the way you want it to be, the way you expected it to be, or the way that someone else promised you it would be.
You want the house to be quiet, but the TV is blaring.
You want to fall asleep, but your mind is racing so much you can’t sleep.
You want to drive quickly to work, but there is TRAFFIC all the way there.
You expected the new dog you adopted to be house trained, but he is not.
These are all situations where something is not exactly how you want it to be.
Your most likely response is irritation and anger. But these do nothing to change the current reality. Reality is reality, and the dog and the traffic and your insomnia don’t care if you are frustrated. Your frustration does nothing to change the situation.
The alternative I would recommend – the opposite of frustration – is curiosity.
Instead of getting angry and impatient and grumpy, try getting really curious.
Get curious about WHY.
Why is traffic that way? Why is the dog or your neighbor behaving a certain way? Why haven’t your expectations been met and what were your expectations anyway? If you can’t sleep, what was different about your evening before you went to bed? There are dozens of questions you can think of when you become sincerely curious.
This afternoon we were driving home from golf and Tucson traffic was a mess. For absolutely no reason, at 1:00 on a Sunday afternoon, traffic was backed up for almost a mile. I found myself getting irritated as we sat at a red light for several cycles without moving anywhere. We were not moving at all. I hate not moving in traffic. But because it was a Sunday afternoon, not a holiday, and I could not figure out why traffic was so bad, I decided to get curious about what could be causing this traffic. Eventually, at the second intersection we came to, I discovered that there was a cop car blocking the intersection, even though there was no accident. Therefore, I concluded that there must either be a funeral procession or a parade or some other type of escort. Once I came to that conclusion, I got curious about which way the procession was moving. Then I could determine the best way for us to drive an alternate route. Eventually we drove east a little bit out of our way, but as we did, we discovered a VERY LONG motorcycle parade and I became very grateful that we had taken action to drive the alternate route. If we had stayed where we were, we would have been there a very long time without moving.
After you get curious about WHY things are the way they are, then you can become curious about WHAT and HOW. What would have to change for you to be less frustrated? How would things have to be different for you to relax? WHAT actions can you take to lessen your frustration? WHAT options are available to you that would help you change the situation?
Can you drive a different route? Can you take your new dog to a dog trainer? Can you unplug the TV or turn down the volume or donate it to charity?
WHY questions won’t guide you about how to change the situation. But WHY questions can help you better understand the source of your frustration. Then you can follow these with WHAT and HOW questions, which will help you identify actions that can help the situation.
Here's the recipe:
1. Realize that you are frustrated. Yes, this requires self awareness.
2. Get curious about WHY you are frustrated – name the specific desire that is different from the current state reality. Identify the specific gap.
3. Get curious about WHAT and HOW you can take action to change the current state reality.
4. Repeat.
This sounds pretty simple. And the basic concepts are simple. But the execution is harder, because it causes us to shift our emotional state from frustration to curiosity.
Therefore, you should start trying this process in order to practice. Luckily, almost every day offers us opportunities to practice. The next time you are frustrated, decide instead to become curious. It's healthier for you and it will lead to a better outcome...
You expected the new dog you adopted to be house trained, but he is not.
These are all situations where something is not exactly how you want it to be.
Your most likely response is irritation and anger. But these do nothing to change the current reality. Reality is reality, and the dog and the traffic and your insomnia don’t care if you are frustrated. Your frustration does nothing to change the situation.
The alternative I would recommend – the opposite of frustration – is curiosity.
Instead of getting angry and impatient and grumpy, try getting really curious.
Get curious about WHY.
Why is traffic that way? Why is the dog or your neighbor behaving a certain way? Why haven’t your expectations been met and what were your expectations anyway? If you can’t sleep, what was different about your evening before you went to bed? There are dozens of questions you can think of when you become sincerely curious.
This afternoon we were driving home from golf and Tucson traffic was a mess. For absolutely no reason, at 1:00 on a Sunday afternoon, traffic was backed up for almost a mile. I found myself getting irritated as we sat at a red light for several cycles without moving anywhere. We were not moving at all. I hate not moving in traffic. But because it was a Sunday afternoon, not a holiday, and I could not figure out why traffic was so bad, I decided to get curious about what could be causing this traffic. Eventually, at the second intersection we came to, I discovered that there was a cop car blocking the intersection, even though there was no accident. Therefore, I concluded that there must either be a funeral procession or a parade or some other type of escort. Once I came to that conclusion, I got curious about which way the procession was moving. Then I could determine the best way for us to drive an alternate route. Eventually we drove east a little bit out of our way, but as we did, we discovered a VERY LONG motorcycle parade and I became very grateful that we had taken action to drive the alternate route. If we had stayed where we were, we would have been there a very long time without moving.
After you get curious about WHY things are the way they are, then you can become curious about WHAT and HOW. What would have to change for you to be less frustrated? How would things have to be different for you to relax? WHAT actions can you take to lessen your frustration? WHAT options are available to you that would help you change the situation?
Can you drive a different route? Can you take your new dog to a dog trainer? Can you unplug the TV or turn down the volume or donate it to charity?
WHY questions won’t guide you about how to change the situation. But WHY questions can help you better understand the source of your frustration. Then you can follow these with WHAT and HOW questions, which will help you identify actions that can help the situation.
Here's the recipe:
1. Realize that you are frustrated. Yes, this requires self awareness.
2. Get curious about WHY you are frustrated – name the specific desire that is different from the current state reality. Identify the specific gap.
3. Get curious about WHAT and HOW you can take action to change the current state reality.
4. Repeat.
This sounds pretty simple. And the basic concepts are simple. But the execution is harder, because it causes us to shift our emotional state from frustration to curiosity.
Therefore, you should start trying this process in order to practice. Luckily, almost every day offers us opportunities to practice. The next time you are frustrated, decide instead to become curious. It's healthier for you and it will lead to a better outcome...
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